


Background Radiation

by EidolonLathi



Series: Six Times Hidan Prayed and Jashin Listened [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Canon-Typical Gore, Dreams and Nightmares, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 09:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EidolonLathi/pseuds/EidolonLathi
Summary: Kakuzu and Hidan are forced to make an important decision. The hesitation of the moment proves especially hard to overcome as the consequences of their choice is not clear and can only be estimated.A story of repeating patterns and reincarnation.





	Background Radiation

**Author's Note:**

> Written for kakuhidaweek 2019. Day 03 – Prompt: Reunion.

The messenger had finished his speech, the group of students having listened to what he had to say now scattering through the area of the school. Or more, the area of the place everyone had believed to be a school until now. According to the messenger it had never been much more than a version of purgatory supposed to mislead them.

The night had laid a dull darkness over the place, only held at bay at this staircase by the cold light of a street lantern. At the bottom of the stairs, right next to the light source, two discouraged shapes could be seen.

Unable to hide his restlessness Hidan kept twisting and turning the pendant of his necklace around, a triangle shaped amethyst. “Why is this self-proclaimed messenger so sure about what he just told us about anyway? How can he be so sure that the people who keep vanishing from this place really enter another, better existence? He didn’t give us any proof of what he was claiming” He raised his gaze, meeting Kakuzu’s eyes. “What if things get worse if you agree to disappear from here, what then?”

Getting confronted with the urgency of Hidan’s words Kakuzu had to struggle for an answer. In an attempt to gain time he pulled the hem of his jacket over his hands. “His explanations made sense though. And yes, there’s still a risk, but what if everything gets better once you agree to vanish?”

A reluctant shadow laid itself over Hidan’s face. “Yeah but… actually, it is really alright living in this place, isn’t it? People leave you alone. Look, the messenger called this place purgatory, but to tell you the truth: I like it here much better than at the place I used to be before.” Yes, ‘the place before’. If the messenger was to be believed that would have been life on earth while this here was… what? A waiting place to ascend further? Reincarnation’s waiting room? In any case no one knew for sure what came next once you left this place. The messenger had announced certain things but if he could be believed was another question. A strange gut feeling told Hidan that whatever power was responsible for this place couldn’t be trusted fully. Wasn’t there some kind of alternative? Some kind of other power you could turn to instead?

“And besides…” Feeling unable to put any of his thoughts into convincing words after all, Hidan followed an impulse that had been building up in a lonely corner of his mind since a while now. Hesitantly he took Kakuzu’s hand, holding on to it with a clumsy grip that ended up tighter than intended. This place might have been fake after all but it had also its good sides: Here in this place Hidan had met Kakuzu. In his former slice of existence there had been no Kakuzu but only isolating loneliness, so for this fact alone this school was better than life on earth had been.

Sensing his distress Kakuzu held still, fastening the hold of his own hand on Hidan’s. For a long time no one said another word. Countless insects were buzzing around the street lantern right next to them, their busy demeanor a welcome source of distraction.

What were insects doing in purgatory anyway? How solid was the nighttime around them, if this place was supposed to be artificial to begin with?

And yet. What did it say about the world of the living that this constructed place felt like the best thing Hidan had ever experienced?

Trying to put his thoughts into sentences Hidan struggled for words once again: “I don’t just want to give up like this. This place here, you can predict it and after all this time it’s starting to feel familiar.”

Kakuzu looked at Hidan, nodding but the gleaming behind his eyes staying skeptical.

Hidan suppressed a groan. “Look, if I forget who I am and lose my memories when starting anew at some other place, well, I don’t see how a better life is going to help me like that.”

According to the messenger that’s how those things went. Hidan would have loved nothing more than to dismiss him but he had to admit that a person with wings and engulfed in flames carried some credibility when speaking after all.

“Can a monotone existence like this here be called living though? It has been feeling like being stuck in limbo all this time and now we know why.” Kakuzu’s voice had been quiet but the sad urgency in it had been impossible to miss. “Going to classes, club activities, even becoming friends with the other students… I don’t think I can go on with this, knowing for sure now that it won’t amount to anything.”

An aching fog started spreading through Hidan’s chest, making it hard to breath. More, it seemed to hold his throat in an iron grip, stopping every word Hidan’s racing mind wanted to express from getting formed. “Okay. This place here has a heavy atmosphere at times. Admittedly. But at least what we have here, is something! That has to count a bit, no?” Hidan had to suppress another shaky breath. “Or isn’t this here enough for you?”

Both of them were fully aware what ‘this here’ was supposed to mean. The entire time they had been talking Kakuzu had refused to let go of Hidan’s hand.

Turning his head Kakuzu looked at the insects still buzzing around the light with an irritated stare. “What I hate about this place is that there’s never any development. Not really. You stay young forever, forever a student, never graduating, never working towards a real goal. The teachers keep telling you what to do and you never get to decide something for yourself.”

No longer bothering to suppress his emotions Hidan let hear a groan. “Our teachers? You know, I think they have to be messengers as well.”

For a short moment Kakuzu hesitated, tearing his gaze away from the insect that kept flying in circles. “I suppose that’s obvious by now, yes.”

Continuing to look at Hidan the reluctant gleam behind Kakuzu’s eyes grew softer, making room for something vulnerable for the first time since they had come to a rest at this staircase. “Despite everything, I don’t think the messenger has been lying. I want to believe him. I want to believe we have a chance of starting over anew.” The expression on his face grew open: “And I want to have the chance to go someplace else with you instead of staying stuck in this huge rat cage forever!” Kakuzu’s eyes set into the distance, glaring at the hills alit by moonlight with an accusing glance as if the landscape itself had committed a great injustice towards him.

Feeling the doubt that had been nagging at his mind this entire time flare up again, Hidan searched for Kakuzu’s eyes: “That’s what we hope. But what if we’ll never going to see each other again?”

Hearing this Kakuzu’s eyes didn’t echo Hidan’s doubt but the contrary, were set aflame with fresh determination: “That won’t happen. Of course we will see each other again. You’ve become such an important part of my life, I will feel that something is gravely lacking until we’ll have found each other again.” The serious gleam in Kakuzu’s eyes brightened. “Don’t you see? Even in a new life, I never would feel happy as long as I wouldn’t be with you. Something in me would know and keep looking for you until I had found you again.”

For a moment Hidan looked completely baffled. Then a content grin started showing up on his face. “I won’t have peace until I’ve got you back either. And because I will feel restless without you, there’s no way I will give up and stop searching until we’re together again.” Despite his confident words Hidan’s voice had still been shaking and the dim light of the street lantern couldn’t hide the distressed gleaming up in his eyes. The next moment he had wrapped his arms around Kakuzu’s neck, pulling him into an embrace.

Seemingly not feeling surprised by Hidan’s outburst Kakuzu held still, patiently returning the gesture and hugging back.

Hidan took a deep breath, trying to gain control back over his voice: “But hey. Once we’ve found each other again we won’t ever get separated. Right?”

“Of course not, we’ll stay together forever then.”

“And you know what else? To forget how that rat cage here made us feel, let’s travel to all kind of different places then!” Hidan hadn’t minded that much but Kakuzu had started to suffer under having to stay at school, never having the chance to see anything else but its outskirts. “We can go to whatever place you want then.”

“Everywhere?” Kakuzu had sounded tentatively hopeful.

“Of course everywhere! I don’t really care at what place we stay as long as we’ll be just together!”

Kakuzu tightened the hold of his arms around Hidan. “And I will earn lots and lots of money so we can do just that.”

Hearing this Hidan started brushing his hand through Kakuzu’s hair, trying to play it subtle and not making it look too obvious he felt the urge to comfort him. They both had suffered under enough strains fate had insisted to put on them in their old lives, before they had come to this school (it hadn’t been a school at all!), so whatever their next part of existence held couldn’t be that much worse. Right?

Hidan’s voice had started shaking again: “And I’ll find a way to defend myself. So I can stop being a burden to you.”

Kakuzu went still. He leaned back, looking at Hidan with bafflement. “You’re not a burden.”

“I’m just saying next time someone implies just that I will have an answer ready.” Hidan would. People not respecting the pain of others… it hadn’t been an occurrence he had encountered too often at this school (purgatory?!) but his previous life had held too many instances of experiencing just that. Yes, people continuing to trample over others, not minding their pain was a big problem and it had to be solved somehow. Or at least, should be judged in some way. It was a conviction that had formed in Hidan’s mind since some time, though in what way this injustice could be solved he was still unable to say. (It suddenly felt very telling this place hadn’t held the answer to that but the contrary, had felt like cementing these feelings Hidan couldn’t even put properly into words.)

Maybe the next place the messenger had been talking about would offer him an answer? And maybe the next time he and Kakuzu met, Hidan would already be able to show him what solution he had found?

Hidan’s ponderings were interrupted by the soft sound of Kakuzu’s voice: “What are you getting lost in thought about this time?” Kakuzu shook his head, unable to hide a smile after all. “I have the feeling wherever we end up next, we’re going to meet each other again soon.”

Hidan returned the smile directed at him. “I’m sure we will. And I think next time whatever we manage to build between us will last and be fully stable.”

It had to be, Hidan decided; anything else would simply have been too unfair. Attention divided by the tiny insects continuing to fly in circles around the street lantern he let hear an absentminded sigh, only the next moment pulling Kakuzu into another hug.

* * *

Hidan’s eyes snapped open, a merely instinctual reaction to his mind shifting focus. After all it was not like there was much to see in this darkness, he thought, trying to keep the panic at bay. The panic that would arrive any time his wandering mind snapped back into awareness, realizing the full scope of the situation he was in.

Uncountable hours spent in complete darkness, ripped to pieces with not even as much as a sense of time left. Nothing as company as the damp, claylike earth and the heavy rocks around him.

Despite of this Hidan tried to hold on to a last shred of hope, fueled on by the certainty that Jashin would not allow for any torment befalling him to continue forever. Jashin had strict rules and he loved testing the faith of those calling himself his believers but it was not like his God was a cruel one, no entity taking pleasure in needless suffering. Unlike the directionless chaos of this world that would inflict pain on its people in a senseless manner, even going as far as to accumulating the burdens it inflicted instead of lessening them, with not even as much as acknowledging the pain of those who suffered.

Jashin was different. Jashin wasn’t doing anything as hypocritical as pretending he could erase the suffering of the race of humans completely but Jashin was able to give a structure and a sense to those burdens, embracing the pain his believers were made to bear in this cruel world instead of turning away from it. A promise so unlike the annoyance and even disgust humans loved to show when confronted with the pain others were burdened with.

Yes, in many ways Jashin was an entity who listened. Hidan didn’t believe that, he knew it to be the truth. Knew it with the certainty that was held upright by the flame of faith gleaming in his chest, in his heart, in the very center of his mind: It could be any minute now Kakuzu would arrive, getting Hidan out of this wretched place. He would; they might have their differences at times but there was no way Kakuzu would abandon him like this. This too was more a certainty than simple believe. If he thought about it like this, it was probably this certainty that they wouldn’t inflict serious harm upon each other but ensure to never cross a certain line that the occasional bickering between them felt more like a bearable annoyance than a serious bother.

Yes, Kakuzu wouldn’t just abandon him when a situation was as dire as this, Hidan was sure of that. Because after all… hadn’t Jashin time and time proven that he considered Kakuzu worth protecting, despite everything? Sure, a heathen he might be, but despite his flaws Kakuzu wasn’t a person whose convictions seriously clashed with the core values of Jashinism. He valued money, yes, but as Kakuzu had just pointed out the other day, money helped them to travel swiftly, avoiding problems, so after all his thirst to gain money seemed not to be rooted in greed. More in… pragmatism. Yes, that was something else than greed. That had to be worth something, it had to be; at no point in its teachings told Jashinism to disregard a fellow human for the simple offence of living in the ways of the heathens: The contrary, living according to His teaching was considered of value, even if the human in question had not (yet) decided to dedicate their actions to His word.

Yes, it had to be worth something.

So, if Kakuzu hadn’t shown up by now it might have meant that… It couldn’t be those Konoha bastards had managed to get him, right?

The mere thought let a pang of fresh pain shoot through Hidan’s awareness, a cruel reminder his body was still torn apart into pieces. No, of course they hadn’t, the mere thought! Kakuzu would be fine, he would deal with them and arrive any minute now, assuming something else was completely laughable!

Trying to distract himself Hidan tried to recall what dreams his mind had come up with when he had so unplanned dozed off only a short while ago. He knew… well, if he tried remembering Hidan was pretty sure that in that dream it had been Kakuzu and him, being together. And they had… been discussing something? The details of this were kind of fuzzy, getting harder to grasp the longer he was awake. Also, the place they had been at had been kind of odd. Very different from the kind of places they had encountered on their journeys so far, the journeys that had become so quickly so high in number since the moment Akatsuki had made them partners.

But despite that place in his dream being odd, it had also felt kind of familiar. The kind of familiar you got when living for some time in a place.

The thought crept upon Hidan that this sequence in his mind hadn’t been a dream at all but a memory. The idea hadn’t fully settled into his mind when his breaths became uneven, slowly but surely turning into hyperventilation.

It had to be the shock of getting trapped underground catching up with him, which was the most logical explanation. After all his body was still ripped apart and that managed to hurt like fucking hell and that Konoha brat that had blown him up to begin with had been a sick little creep, and those stupid deer staring stupidly at him like fucking bystanders had been just as terrible as every human witnessing the suffering of others while not doing a single thing he had encountered during the war and after AND FUCK IT ALL! Fuck it! He had seen it, seen it with his own eyes! People not even possessing as much decency as to avert their eyes and walking on when confronted with the suffering of others but instead standing still and feasting their eyes on the destruction in front of them! Fueled on by nothing but the lust of witnessing pain of other’s for pleasure’s sake!

And those very humans thought they had the right to announce they had the right to judge over him? Like that Konoha brat with his cheap shadow tricks had just done? Fuck it! The only being allowed to hold judgement over Hidan was Jashin, Jashin and no one else! And Kakuzu was the only one allowed to complain about him and though he would never admit this out loud EVER, if those objections made sense Hidan would sometimes even be willing to take those into consideration.

Yes, that’s how the way of the world should be: Hidan doing his best to follow Jashin’s words and to improve the state of his soul, doing so with Kakuzu by his side. Just how things had been since a while now. And how things soon would be again: Only a bit more patience, only a bit more waiting and Kakuzu would come back for him, Hidan could feel it; despite their bickering Kakuzu would never in a million years go as far as to abandon him in a forlorn place like this. Jashin might have been Hidan’s God holding all his faith but he also believed in Kakuzu. At least in moderation. As far as you could allow yourself to trust another human being. (They had both ascended the plight of human nature and become something else, something undead, so maybe this trust was not in vain.)

And no matter how forlorn the place he found himself might be, Jashin was at Hidan’s side always. Trying to keep the desperation threatening to engulf him at bay Hidan started uttering a silent prayer, regretting he couldn’t feel the familiar shape and weight of his pendant around his neck to guide him.

Feeling the power of his prayer starting to calm down his mind he could feel his awareness becoming detached, holding the suffocating reality of the heavy earth and rocks piled up around him at bay. For the moment this had to be enough.

* * *

Hidan’s body twitched together, his mind awake instantly though his eyes were still closed. Slowly but steadily the shackles of deep sleep were falling away from him, letting him feel exposed and lost in the vulnerability of the moment. This rawness spreading through his mind made him refuse to open his eyes yet. Because anyway, even like this he was awake enough to realize what must have wakened him was his body feeling hot and suffocated. Groggily he threw away the blanket laying heavily opon him.

A breeze of fresh air. Getting rid of the threatening feeling of getting crushed. Overcoming the laziness of his muscles and turning so he could lie on his side. If he slept lying on his back he sometimes would grow short of breath due to it, he didn’t know why.

The next moment Hidan’s eyes snapped open, fully awake now. The daylight falling into the room showed him what he had already sensed with his eyes still closed: Next to him the bed was empty. A glance at the alarm clock told him why: It was almost noon by now.

Hidan suppressed a groan. Whatever. It was the weekend and he had been feverish since a few days now, he had needed some sleep. And well, the fever probably was responsible for him waking up distressed like this.

The memory of the hot blanket weighing heavily on him inserted itself upon his mind and he knew this to be not the entire truth. He’d had that recurring dream again. The one he could never recall details of in the slightest the moment he had woken up. The only thing he thought he might recall about that odd dream was the feeling of being lonely an abandoned. Of getting crushed. Of losing Kakuzu.

Hidan felt a directionless fear insert itself into his mind, more an instinct than a clear idea. His gaze got stuck at the empty side of the bed. It wasn’t mere fear in his mind by now, it was a growing panic.

A dull noise ripped him out of his ponderings, a sound located in the kitchen. Hidan took an absentminded deep breath, a tension he hadn’t been aware of being possessed under leaving his muscles. So, Kakuzu was in the kitchen then.

A resolute urge in his mind decided that he needed distraction. Groggily Hidan grabbed his phone lying on the bedside table, aimlessly checking it just for the sake of checking. Nothing special. Only that Deidara had needlessly added him in one of his posts again, cluttering Hidan’s notifications like this. He had to tell him to stop doing that the next time they saw each other, honestly, Hidan decided, laying the phone aside again and standing up.

His predictions had been true, Kakuzu was in the kitchen, looking unsurprised to see Hidan show up: “I’ve already made you some tea.”

So, had that been the noise from before? “Thank you”, Hidan mumbled, sitting down at the table, feeling that now that he had been standing upright for some time his mind had started to become muddy again.

Kakuzu must have sensed that much: “How’s your fever?”, he asked, not bothering to hide the worry in his voice. He put a mug of tea in front of Hidan, taking the chair opposite of him.

Beginning to feel self-aware Hidan shrugged his shoulders. “Not any worse than yesterday. Probably a bit better, I think.”

Still looking skeptical Kakuzu stretched out his arm, touching Hidan’s forehead with his hand. The tension around his eyes slightly leaving he withdrew his hand again.

Lowering his gaze Hidan took his mug, testing if the tea had cooled down enough to drink it. It was still a bit too hot. But it would be drinkable soon. “I feel much better actually.”

“Eh? You sure? You look kind of out of it.” The worry had stayed in Kakuzu’s voice.

“That’s not because of the fever. Not really. I just had… a stupid dream. A real fever dream, yes”, Hidan said, now beginning to feel completely silly. Admitting you felt upset because of some stupid dream. He was awake again, his dream had ended, no matter how disturbing this vaguely remembered shitty scenario in it had been. He was awake again. And yet.

“A fever dream then.”

Hidan raised his head, more an instinctual reaction than a planned one, looking at Kakuzu. He looked as relieved as he had just sounded. As if it had erased a big part of his worry that Hidan was acting weird because of a lingering dream instead of a fever. Which was… a nice sentiment actually, Hidan had to admit.

“A fever dream”, Hidan confirmed shrugging his shoulders and directing his attention towards his tea again. It was cool enough to be drinkable by now, finally.

Hearing this Kakuzu only nodded, taking a sip of the coffee standing in front of him. During the next few minutes a comfortable silence expanded between them, the kind that often arrived when they were eating.

It was Hidan after all being the first one to start talking again: “I don’t even know anymore what this shit dream had been about. The only thing I know is that I was dreaming about Jashin.”

Kakuzu went very still. For a moment Hidan expected him to show his earlier worry again but when Kakuzu started talking his face looked empty and his voice sounded devoid of any expression: “Jashin? What’s that supposed to be again?”

“Not what. Who. It’s a name.”

“Oh?” A suspiciously carefree smile showed up on Kakuzu’s face and this time the concern had returned into his voice: “Jashin? Who’s that then? Some kind of former boyfriend I need to be worried about?”

“What? No, it’s not someone I ever met or anything. Jashin is just Jashin.” Sitting down had helped against Hidan’s increasing dizziness but if he was honest, he still was feeling kind of fuzzy in the head. Once he have had his tea and stuff he probably should go and lie down again. The shapeless echo of a distant memory (it only had been a dream, right?) inserted itself into the center of Hidan’s mind and before he had planned that he wanted to say something he already heard himself speak: “Jashin is just Jashin, in the form He always is. It’s been due to His power we were able to meet each other again. He can’t erase suffering completely, but He finds solutions to eventually lessen the burden. Because as long as his followers believe in Jashin, Jashin also has faith in them.”

Hidan’s own voice had sounded foreign in his ears.

Kakuzu was still sitting in front of him, his body gripped by tension, the emptiness in his eyes getting replaced by a slow recollection that seemed to clarify more details of Hidan’s dream.

Next to them the coffee machine let hear a buzzing noise, as it sometimes would do when still connected to the power.

The silent sound grated almost painfully against Hidan’s ear. He blinked, rapidly, trying to clear his head from the foggy feeling still engulfing it. “Ah, it has been a really confusing dream, I told you. Nothing about it made any sense.”

“Fever dreams seldom do.” Kakuzu’s voice had sounded even, the tension set in his body slowly beginning to disappear. The look he was giving Hidan looked warm, almost affectionate.

Feeling how his confusion was slowly decreasing Hidan continued drinking his tea. He gestured at the cup. “Thank you for making me some; my throat was dry as fuck after waking up.”

Hearing this Kakuzu only shook his head, still giving Hidan that affectionate look again. “You still look tired. Once you’ve finished you should lie down again. If you’re hungry I’ll get you something but get some more rest.”

As an answer Hidan only nodded in agreement, returning the smile directed at him. He wouldn’t have admitted it out loud ever, but when Kakuzu made sensible suggestions like this one, well, then Hidan wasn’t averse to listen.

The End


End file.
